Archive for June, 2013

I promised to write this some time ago on twitter, i apologise its taken me some time to do so. But if you read on, maybe you will understand a little as to why its taken some time.

PTSD: From the eyes of a child pedophile survivor.

To live with post traumatic stress disorder is exhausting. The constant anxiety. The constant nagging fears. The black hole starts to consume the mind slowly, until one day there is nothing left but darkness. Sadness. Anxiety. Loneliness. Sorrow. Guilt. Fear. It feels mind numbingly insane to fall into the pits of darkness when your identities conflict. One part of me is confident, logical, loving, analytical, and often in too many ways, intrigued by the world around me. The other part of me hides in the dark corners, seeks comfort in being alone, hides away from the world and feels i am nothing, i am numb.

To understand how i became so conflicted, i have to go back. Childhood. The time when your life is supposed to be free from worries, stress, hurt, pain, anxiety, yet somehow, i must have done something wrong. i got worries, stress, hurt, pain and oh so much more. I didnt understand until i was almost an adult what had happened in those years i tried to so hard to repress. I feel so stupid. How was i so smart and logical and not understand what happened to me. Maybe because i tried to fight the memories and tried so hard to repress them that i didnt process it. I dont know, all i know is it left me with nothing but guilt, sadness, hate and a conflicting craziness in my mind i have never experienced before, how did i get so lost in the process of dealing and accepting? I am the survivor of a child pedophile. It took me many years to say those words out loud. The sadness that i feel when i say those words is beyond explanation. The guilt i have carried has left scars so deep, because i never stopped it. i never spoke up and said something and i was not the last of his victims. for so long i all i felt was guilty when i found out others had become just like me. reduced to my fate. A survivor. A child ripped apart mentally, physically numb and broken inside. An adult struggling to find the light in the crazy darkness. Trying to find a way to heal the scars that continue to cut so deep into me. The pain becomes physical. The gut wrenching nausea, the searing migranes, the aching heart. What we mentally suffer manifests to physical symptoms and starts to rule your life. I try and hide. Shut myself away from the world. Wishing i could wake up tomorrow and just be, well, somebody else. Not Me. Not  mentally lost in this confusing hell of memories and nightmares.

Many years of therapy have taught me many techniques to deal with the realities of what i suffer on a daily basis, but, its still never easy. I guess to truly understand why the suffering of PTSD is deeply impacting on me, its because of multiple trauma’s. From 8-11/12 yrs old, groomed, broken and abused by which my parents had no idea. At 13 i was sexually assaulted by someone connected with extended family. When i confided in a friend at school she told a teacher. The family drama’s followed. Then the name calling started, i was called a slut and whore by an other in the family who didnt want to believe me. That was until her little sisters came forward also. By now people realised i wasnt lying. But the mental damage was already done. My life started a slippery slope downwards from there on. I was expelled from high school in year 8. i started to drink, alot. I ran away from home. I dont think my parents fully realised until recently just how much i was suffering when i was a teen. They didnt know of the pedophile. Only knew of the assault. But that wasnt to be the end of it.  One of the times i ran away, i was raped. After the no’s, the shoving, the fighting to get his stinking beer face away from me, I can vividly remember thinking, how can you see my tears and still do this to me. I really am worth nothing.

Again, shame, guilt, all of it overcomes. How could this have happened to me, i am strong. at 14, i wasnt much of a challenge for a grown man, i realise that now, but back then, how could i. Was It was my fault, maybe they could see something in me that showed them i was nothing, that is why  it kept on happenening to me. because i wasnt worth any thing more.  Thats how i felt, and somedays in all honesty, i still feel that way. To accept what has been done is to fully deal with it, and i dont think i have ever been ready to full do so, but to keep on pushing it back, regressing and hiding, only makes the suffering worse. i know that now. But when the scars are so deep the pain so vividly real, how do you stop the floodgates when you open them. How do you ever go back to who you once were. Maybe, one day, at the end of my journey, ill have the answer. Until then, i truly hope for the day when time healed all wounds.

AA.

(NB: A further trauma that confounds PTSD on me, is being involved at 17yrs old (victim) in an armed robbery where i was working (thankfully i had been pushed to the ground by a supervisor moments before guns were fired, thankfully no one was shot).

Silver Lining

Erdogan blames terrorists, foreigners for unrest in Turkey

Press TV

Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan has laid the blame on a “terrorist organization” and foreign suspects for anti-government demonstrations that continue to rock his country.

Speaking to reporters in Tunis on the last leg of his North Africa tour on Thursday, Erdogan said seven foreigners have been arrested in connection with the week-long protest rallies. However, He did not specify the nationalities of the detainees.

“Seven foreigners have been implicated in the unrest, six of whom have appeared before the public prosecutor and one of whom is under arrest,” Erdogan stated.

“An inquiry is taking place to determine the manner in which they took part in the violence,” he said.

Erdogan, however, refused to back down on the implementation of a controversial Istanbul development plan that has triggered anti-government demonstrations.

“We will go through with this project which respects…

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Silver Lining

Berawi: The global march to Jerusalem to launch tomorrow in 40 states

GAZA, (PIC)– Spokesman for the global march to Jerusalem Zaher Al-Berawi said that all preparations are in place to launch the global march in more than 40 countries on Friday on the 46th anniversary of the occupation of all parts of Jerusalem.

Berawi made his remarks in a press statement to the Palestinian information center (PIC) after his arrival in Gaza along with a delegation of 35 activists from 15 countries.

Berawi said thousands of citizens around the world would participate in this global march, adding that different European cities would see protests outside Israeli embassies.

He said that the rallies in Gaza would move after the Friday prayers towards the closest point to the occupied Palestinian lands in the north, expressing hope that Gaza would be a good exemplar for other participating cities.

He pointed…

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Silver Lining

Classified documents: 1 in 4 CIA drone victims were unidentified

Press TV

A review of classified U.S. intelligence documents has revealed that “the CIA did not always know” the identities of people it targeted and killed in assassination drone strikes in Pakistan.

According to an exclusive NBC News report, the Central Intelligence Agency, which operates the vast majority of drone strikes in Pakistan, could not confirm the identities of about a quarter of people it killed by unmanned aircraft over a 14-month period between 2010 and 2011.

The CIA would instead classify those targets as “other militants,” a term used to describe individuals whose affiliation the spy agency could not identify but would kill them anyway.

The findings, however significant, are not exactly new as a number of investigations have previously concluded that U.S. officials were vastly underestimating the civilian casualties of CIA drone strikes.

Citing copies of top-secret U.S…

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Silver Lining

by Ramzy Baroud, source

On April 21, the BBC obtained disturbing video footage shot in Burma. It confirmed extreme reports of what has been taking place in that country, even as it is being touted by the US and European governments as a success story pertaining to political reforms and democracy.

The BBC footage was difficult to watch even when faces of Muslim Rohingya victims were blurred. To say the least, the level of violence exhibited by their Arakan Buddhist attackers was frightening. “The Burmese police (stood) by as shops, homes and mosques are looted and burnt, and failing to intervene as Buddhist mobs, including monks, kill fleeing Muslims,” the BBC reported. A Rohingya man was set ablaze while still alive. The police watched.

To some extent, international media is finally noticing the plight of the Rohingyas who are experiencing what can only be described as genocide. And there…

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CounterPsyOps

 

Syrian Army troops have taken control of al-Daba’a town in the central province of Homs, a day after they fully purged the strategic border town of al-Qusayr from foreign-sponsored militants.

On Thursday, Syrian troops liberated the town after fierce exchange of fire with the militants.

Syria’s state television reported on Wednesday that Syrian forces had regained full control of Qusayr following three weeks of fighting.

Many foreign-backed militants were killed or injured throughout the mop-up operations conducted by Syrian soldiers in the town.

The militants fled to farms and a nearby village. Reports indicate that peace and security have now been restored in the region.

Syrian troops backed by the forces of Lebanon’s resistance movement Hezbollah entered Qusayr from several directions on May 19.

Qusayr had been an important center and supply route for the foreign-sponsored militants fighting against the Damascus government.

Syria has been gripped by a deadly…

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World

As epic clashes between antigovernment protesters and riot police turned downtown Istanbul into a battle zone last weekend, the country’s two main news channels had, well, not much to report. One ran a documentary on penguins. The other, a cooking show. To many Turks, their silence was symptomatic of the self-censorship Turkey’s media have practiced under Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s tightfisted 10-year rule. Penguin T-shirts, penguin jokes and penguin costumes now abound — the bird has become a symbol of protesters’ frustration with the mainstream media.

“Our audience feels like they were betrayed,” said NTV chief executive Cem Aydin on Tuesday after a meeting with staff, some of whom resigned in protest at the lack of coverage. Criticism of the channel was “fair to a large extent,” he said. Protests are now in their 10th day. They initially began over plans to raze a park in central…

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Truth11

Richard Engel

nbcnews.com
June 6, 2013

 

By Richard Engel, Chief Foreign Correspondent, NBC News

A former Air Force drone operator who says he participated in missions that killed more than 1,600 people remembers watching one of the first victims bleed to death.

 See video here

Brandon Bryant says he was sitting in a chair at a Nevada Air Force base operating the camera when his team fired two missiles from their drone at three men walking down a road halfway around the world in Afghanistan. The missiles hit all three targets, and Bryant says he could see the aftermath on his computer screen – including thermal images of a growing puddle of hot blood.

“The guy that was running forward, he’s missing his right leg,” he recalled. “And I watch this guy bleed out and, I mean, the blood is hot.” As the man died his body grew cold…

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