Posts Tagged ‘Suffering’

I promised to write this some time ago on twitter, i apologise its taken me some time to do so. But if you read on, maybe you will understand a little as to why its taken some time.

PTSD: From the eyes of a child pedophile survivor.

To live with post traumatic stress disorder is exhausting. The constant anxiety. The constant nagging fears. The black hole starts to consume the mind slowly, until one day there is nothing left but darkness. Sadness. Anxiety. Loneliness. Sorrow. Guilt. Fear. It feels mind numbingly insane to fall into the pits of darkness when your identities conflict. One part of me is confident, logical, loving, analytical, and often in too many ways, intrigued by the world around me. The other part of me hides in the dark corners, seeks comfort in being alone, hides away from the world and feels i am nothing, i am numb.

To understand how i became so conflicted, i have to go back. Childhood. The time when your life is supposed to be free from worries, stress, hurt, pain, anxiety, yet somehow, i must have done something wrong. i got worries, stress, hurt, pain and oh so much more. I didnt understand until i was almost an adult what had happened in those years i tried to so hard to repress. I feel so stupid. How was i so smart and logical and not understand what happened to me. Maybe because i tried to fight the memories and tried so hard to repress them that i didnt process it. I dont know, all i know is it left me with nothing but guilt, sadness, hate and a conflicting craziness in my mind i have never experienced before, how did i get so lost in the process of dealing and accepting? I am the survivor of a child pedophile. It took me many years to say those words out loud. The sadness that i feel when i say those words is beyond explanation. The guilt i have carried has left scars so deep, because i never stopped it. i never spoke up and said something and i was not the last of his victims. for so long i all i felt was guilty when i found out others had become just like me. reduced to my fate. A survivor. A child ripped apart mentally, physically numb and broken inside. An adult struggling to find the light in the crazy darkness. Trying to find a way to heal the scars that continue to cut so deep into me. The pain becomes physical. The gut wrenching nausea, the searing migranes, the aching heart. What we mentally suffer manifests to physical symptoms and starts to rule your life. I try and hide. Shut myself away from the world. Wishing i could wake up tomorrow and just be, well, somebody else. Not Me. Not  mentally lost in this confusing hell of memories and nightmares.

Many years of therapy have taught me many techniques to deal with the realities of what i suffer on a daily basis, but, its still never easy. I guess to truly understand why the suffering of PTSD is deeply impacting on me, its because of multiple trauma’s. From 8-11/12 yrs old, groomed, broken and abused by which my parents had no idea. At 13 i was sexually assaulted by someone connected with extended family. When i confided in a friend at school she told a teacher. The family drama’s followed. Then the name calling started, i was called a slut and whore by an other in the family who didnt want to believe me. That was until her little sisters came forward also. By now people realised i wasnt lying. But the mental damage was already done. My life started a slippery slope downwards from there on. I was expelled from high school in year 8. i started to drink, alot. I ran away from home. I dont think my parents fully realised until recently just how much i was suffering when i was a teen. They didnt know of the pedophile. Only knew of the assault. But that wasnt to be the end of it.  One of the times i ran away, i was raped. After the no’s, the shoving, the fighting to get his stinking beer face away from me, I can vividly remember thinking, how can you see my tears and still do this to me. I really am worth nothing.

Again, shame, guilt, all of it overcomes. How could this have happened to me, i am strong. at 14, i wasnt much of a challenge for a grown man, i realise that now, but back then, how could i. Was It was my fault, maybe they could see something in me that showed them i was nothing, that is why  it kept on happenening to me. because i wasnt worth any thing more.  Thats how i felt, and somedays in all honesty, i still feel that way. To accept what has been done is to fully deal with it, and i dont think i have ever been ready to full do so, but to keep on pushing it back, regressing and hiding, only makes the suffering worse. i know that now. But when the scars are so deep the pain so vividly real, how do you stop the floodgates when you open them. How do you ever go back to who you once were. Maybe, one day, at the end of my journey, ill have the answer. Until then, i truly hope for the day when time healed all wounds.

AA.

(NB: A further trauma that confounds PTSD on me, is being involved at 17yrs old (victim) in an armed robbery where i was working (thankfully i had been pushed to the ground by a supervisor moments before guns were fired, thankfully no one was shot).

Occupied Palestine | فلسطين

[ PIC 16/09/2012 – 06:58 PM ]

GAZA,(PIC)– The Egyptian medical delegation, which visited Gaza for four days, confirmed that the people’s suffering in Gaza strip is much deeper and harder than media coverage.

What we have seen in Gaza, the suffering of people due to the imposed siege, is much greater than what is covered by media, the Secretary-General of the Humanitarian Relief Committee, Dr. Khaled Abdul-Aziz said, calling on the international health institutions to check directly the difficult humanitarian condition in Gaza.

He said that the delegation’s visit to Gaza succeeded to provide a part of the needed drugs, which contribute to alleviate the suffering of patients, thanking the Ministry of Health and the Palestinian government in Gaza for the warm reception.

During their visit to Gaza, the delegation members met with the Prime Minister, Ismail Haniyeh, and officials in the Health Ministry where they visited many of…

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So i’ve been reading a few books lately and i really need to let people know how amazing these books are.  Stories of real life struggles, survival and courage in the face of hardships.

Cola’s Journey – The story of a young sudanese man’s journey from Sudan, throughout africa and to finally become an Australian Refugee and Citizen. This book amazed me. The courage and strength of Cola (chol) and all that he has survived and lived through totally amazed me, how can one person have so much courage and strength to keep on going? 14 years of travelling, mostly by foot! but its not just one person that has gone through this, there are thousands upon thousands of kids with similar stories that still remain unheard. Cola’s determination, courage and strength inspire me to keep on doing what i do for Human Rights. NO ONE should have to be faced with the life he was dealt. No Human deserves to live in fear, be abducted, forced to do something against their will. No One!

First Kill Your Family – Child soldiers of Uganda and the Lords Resistance Army. This book is a great informational tool. Contains facts and information about the war, theories and stories of those who were abducted.  All that i had suspected previously was confirmed in this book. Peter, thank you for bringing to light the stories of these beautiful children and the Acholi and Langi Tribes of Northern Uganda. Your book has just inspired me to be all i can be and to never give up. None of these children ever gave up on hope, nor will i.

I stand firm with my beliefs and hope that through my work with Invisible Children and other local non profits i can help bring about change. I can help inspire our nation to change the lives of others.

Australians have compassion, love and sympathy, yet sometimes they are lazy. The typical way of “laid back” life for us is someone else’s pain and suffering, when we are “laid back” they are dying, suffering and starving.You don’t need to be a martyr or a genius to help. Each person in this world has their own unique ability, a way in which they can help. Find your ability, find a cause and go on a mission, a mission to change.

I was bought up with parents who have served many years (even still serving) in the local Lions Club organisation. Through my childhood years i spent many hours volunteering in Blacktown with them. Through all i have done, it has given me a renewed sense of life, a greater meaning for me being here. I see myself as “a voice for the voiceless” one whom is willing to stand up when injustice happens and say “NO, this is NOT right!”

Imagine if our beloved country had rebels? Imagine YOUR children being abducted and forced to be soldiers? Imagine our government telling us we had 24 hours to leave our homes and go to displacement camps? How would this make you feel? Find that emotional connection and work with it. I found mine in an ex-child solider called “Jacob”. I connected with his pain as my son is called “jacob”, how easy it is to connect, to make something emotional and personal. Once we make it emotional and personal, we find our lives changing. Open your eyes to the uncomfortable, embrace it, work with it and change your life!

My life, will never be the same, it changed dramatically 3 yrs ago when i was introducted to Invisible Children’s Rough Cut DVD. This is my mission now, to help those who have been “invisible” through this 24 year war of madness. I am a new person, a different person, a fighter and challenger of evil. I will not stop until the day i die. I hope, once my children are older, to be able to take my mission international. To visit and help locally with those who are affected by evil’s, war and poverty.  Be it Africa, Indonesia or any other country that requires help. I have found why i was placed on earth, i challenge you to find your reason for existence.

My father said to me only a few weeks ago “you know you can’t save everyone”. Deep in my heart, i really wish i could, but i am only 1 person in a world of billions. I may not be able to “save” everyone, but i can educate those who will listen.  Education to me is something i never really cared to much about, but as i have grown older, i know that it is the key to everything. At 29 yrs old (pushing 30 next month!) i am only now realising how important education is, i am hoping to apply to university next year (2011) and to continue with my education. Each day i browse the net, looking for information, seeking education, seeking that which is not known and sharing with others. What satisfaction do i get out of this? Not Money or gifts, i get personal and spiritual satisfaction knowing that i CAN CHANGE THE WORLD one person at a time!

Without education, where would humanity be?

– Rebecca Fowler (freeuganda)