Posts Tagged ‘survivor’

I promised to write this some time ago on twitter, i apologise its taken me some time to do so. But if you read on, maybe you will understand a little as to why its taken some time.

PTSD: From the eyes of a child pedophile survivor.

To live with post traumatic stress disorder is exhausting. The constant anxiety. The constant nagging fears. The black hole starts to consume the mind slowly, until one day there is nothing left but darkness. Sadness. Anxiety. Loneliness. Sorrow. Guilt. Fear. It feels mind numbingly insane to fall into the pits of darkness when your identities conflict. One part of me is confident, logical, loving, analytical, and often in too many ways, intrigued by the world around me. The other part of me hides in the dark corners, seeks comfort in being alone, hides away from the world and feels i am nothing, i am numb.

To understand how i became so conflicted, i have to go back. Childhood. The time when your life is supposed to be free from worries, stress, hurt, pain, anxiety, yet somehow, i must have done something wrong. i got worries, stress, hurt, pain and oh so much more. I didnt understand until i was almost an adult what had happened in those years i tried to so hard to repress. I feel so stupid. How was i so smart and logical and not understand what happened to me. Maybe because i tried to fight the memories and tried so hard to repress them that i didnt process it. I dont know, all i know is it left me with nothing but guilt, sadness, hate and a conflicting craziness in my mind i have never experienced before, how did i get so lost in the process of dealing and accepting? I am the survivor of a child pedophile. It took me many years to say those words out loud. The sadness that i feel when i say those words is beyond explanation. The guilt i have carried has left scars so deep, because i never stopped it. i never spoke up and said something and i was not the last of his victims. for so long i all i felt was guilty when i found out others had become just like me. reduced to my fate. A survivor. A child ripped apart mentally, physically numb and broken inside. An adult struggling to find the light in the crazy darkness. Trying to find a way to heal the scars that continue to cut so deep into me. The pain becomes physical. The gut wrenching nausea, the searing migranes, the aching heart. What we mentally suffer manifests to physical symptoms and starts to rule your life. I try and hide. Shut myself away from the world. Wishing i could wake up tomorrow and just be, well, somebody else. Not Me. Not  mentally lost in this confusing hell of memories and nightmares.

Many years of therapy have taught me many techniques to deal with the realities of what i suffer on a daily basis, but, its still never easy. I guess to truly understand why the suffering of PTSD is deeply impacting on me, its because of multiple trauma’s. From 8-11/12 yrs old, groomed, broken and abused by which my parents had no idea. At 13 i was sexually assaulted by someone connected with extended family. When i confided in a friend at school she told a teacher. The family drama’s followed. Then the name calling started, i was called a slut and whore by an other in the family who didnt want to believe me. That was until her little sisters came forward also. By now people realised i wasnt lying. But the mental damage was already done. My life started a slippery slope downwards from there on. I was expelled from high school in year 8. i started to drink, alot. I ran away from home. I dont think my parents fully realised until recently just how much i was suffering when i was a teen. They didnt know of the pedophile. Only knew of the assault. But that wasnt to be the end of it.  One of the times i ran away, i was raped. After the no’s, the shoving, the fighting to get his stinking beer face away from me, I can vividly remember thinking, how can you see my tears and still do this to me. I really am worth nothing.

Again, shame, guilt, all of it overcomes. How could this have happened to me, i am strong. at 14, i wasnt much of a challenge for a grown man, i realise that now, but back then, how could i. Was It was my fault, maybe they could see something in me that showed them i was nothing, that is why  it kept on happenening to me. because i wasnt worth any thing more.  Thats how i felt, and somedays in all honesty, i still feel that way. To accept what has been done is to fully deal with it, and i dont think i have ever been ready to full do so, but to keep on pushing it back, regressing and hiding, only makes the suffering worse. i know that now. But when the scars are so deep the pain so vividly real, how do you stop the floodgates when you open them. How do you ever go back to who you once were. Maybe, one day, at the end of my journey, ill have the answer. Until then, i truly hope for the day when time healed all wounds.

AA.

(NB: A further trauma that confounds PTSD on me, is being involved at 17yrs old (victim) in an armed robbery where i was working (thankfully i had been pushed to the ground by a supervisor moments before guns were fired, thankfully no one was shot).